Thursday, 21 February 2019

a really happy entry

I've come to the conclusion that life's been a bit weird recently. I felt sad enough to have to nap today, a sensation I haven't experienced in a while. But I made myself dinner, carried on drinking water (should be drinking more tbh), and learned some chords on the guitar to Best Coast's 'Summer Mood', because why not. 

I've also been thinking about the past. My past. About past stories and past identities and the very idea that I don't need to lurk through those places and try and hold onto habits and negative ways of thinking that used to define me. But it's so hard not to - sometimes I just want to be sad, to entertain dangerous habits because the tools are all there and I'm ready and life's annoying and hard and stressful and awkward and great and expensive and exciting and I just want a release, to nap and be sad. I really am fucking resilient. To have all the emotional and physical triggers around me and still not be tempted by the voice that says 'you might as well do it' - that's got to count for something. Me three years ago did not have the emotional strength.

Virginia WoolfThe Waves

Anyway, I was flicking through my diary and stumbled upon an entry that made me really happy, despite its slightly bleak beginning. I wrote it at 17:04pm on the 22nd of Jan. To give some context, I had my first and only exam on the 19th and was finally free, due to get pissed and go to my favourite club that night too. 

Everyone flakes. I lowkey feel very alone at the moment. Just me and my mind, yano? Gets a bit lonely sometimes. Just paper and pen, my phone and some earphones. My bed, chair and desk. My laptop and water bottle. Just us. And people do rate me. I feel loved and supported. But sometimes the love and support feels like its outside of me, bobbing at the top of a swimming pool, and I'm standing right at the bottom, staring at it. #my first metaphor. LOL. 
Am I really THAT girl? That friend, chick, female, ting? Will I ever be separate from her? Can she ever be freed and let go, like a balloon? Gone, dispersed, into the abyss. Who knows. 
Tonight should be fun. FUCK IT! You just had your first english exam at uni, you tried your absolute fucking best - you got OUTSTANDING grades on your FIRST EVER French assessment. You submitted a great Short Fic portfolio. It's been a tough but, come to think of it, FUCKING REWARDING term. You fucking survived! after a break up, and all the bad shit that came with it. You came out (morbidly) unscathed. JESUS CHRIST you really are amazing. I really am fucking amazing. I really am fucking amazing. I really am fucking amazing. I really am fucking amazing. WOW. WOW. A bitch really is seeing shit differently. A bitch is really deciding how to act for the rest of the year. WOW. January. A new year already. Only up from here. Only up from FUCKING here. 

All very cheesy I know. But that is what my mind sounds like sometimes. I've been writing a lot of poetry, a poem a week actually. It's been very interesting. I can't wait to share some of them on here! I'm also coming to terms with the fact that my teen-hood is expiring. A very emotive and cheesy blog post is coming, mark it in your calendars, kids. (To give you some more explicit context of how my day/life is going, in my diary entry today, which I wrote slumped over my bed as I woke up from the nap, I hereby declared myself "celibate for the remainder of my adolescence." (Oversharing much??) Though I could be lying for comedic value. Life is weird :-). I just felt like I needed to write this blog post, to mark this turbulent moment/day in time. It's 10:15 pm as this sentence is being written, and I'm going to bed.

~ peace out, n' see you in the next post lovelies. Zoe xo ~