Thursday, 1 August 2019

mango moons & the future

Hello - it's been a while ! Since my last blog post in April, a lot has happened. May and June were easily the most stressful months of the year so far, and July was the aftermath/recuperation, so my ability to write a blog post really went down. Where do I even start !

This summer I have used my passport more than usual, which has made me feel really busy and adult and excited for future travels. I don't know if I've officially mentioned it, but I will be studying abroad for 10 months this September in Bordeaux, France! I'm moving in this month and I'm...excited, scared, nervous, relieved, shitting myself, smiley, can't stop smiling, bank account worried, mind frantic, heart open, eyes curious, soul ready. Feeling everything. 

I feel like I am constantly moving 'towards' something - hence the collage that I made. I am moving one way while the foregoing path I am on is being dusted away - like in Alice and Wonderland, but in a less existential, more spiritually guided way. I am being forced to create my own path, literally take decisions into my own hands. (Even if it is finally booking your flight to go...because who else is going to do that lol?)

If you follow me on Instagram, you'll know that I visited Bordeaux at the end of June - a very fun and adventurous 4 days in which myself and my friend, who is also doing a year abroad in Bordeaux, went to find housing. I'd definitely say we managed to make the most of the 34 - 40 degree heat and tram and bus journeys (and pubs and clubs wink wink) around the city - and we ended up finding a very beautiful apartment on our last day. It was a time of true elation and a good end to the month considering June saw a 3000 word portfolio, 2500 word timed exam (the most tense 48 hours of ones life) and a French exam to top it all off. 

Between the time of that last exam and moving out of Brighton, I hung out with friends and had a cute little holiday just getting to roam the streets of town without stress, spend a lot of money on food and clothes, and say some sincere and wholesome goodbyes. 

I'll never forget being on the beach late at night and being chased by the waves, getting my feet wet and being mesmerised by the immensity of the ocean and the moon  - I really felt like I got to give a  soulful goodbye to Brighton after two years there. I'll miss it.

July felt really long - but it was planted with a lot of wholesome and beautiful moments - including Brainchild festival, which I have spammed my Instagram with and will do here too :-) I can't really put it into words how amazing those 3 days were. When I did a diary entry afterwards, I had to just list all of the highlights because I couldn't think of a single way to paragraph-ise (making up words now woop) the whole experience. I did bring my poetry book to the festival though, and this is what I wrote on the Saturday morning (our 2nd, but first full, day there). This was after a beautiful mass yoga class in the main field.

It is Saturday morning and I am glad that I am here. Meditation and the stretching of a body; a temple that guides and moves me. I am here. I am alive. I am moving. I can move and I am here and I am beautiful and I am worthy and I am beautiful and I am worthy of love and I am here to return these feelings to the earth and those who walk upon it with me. I walk this earth right now and I am here I am alive I am healthy it is sunny the sky is blue and I am warm I am beautiful I am worthy I am beautiful I am worthy I am beautiful I am worthy I am beautiful I am here I am living I am living, alive, breathing. I am kind, I will be kind, I will breathe through my nose I will smile. I am worthy. I am. 

Yeah I've been trying out this whole 'affirmations' thing. It works, until it doesn't unfortunately. Still, it was a euphoric time and a time for friendship and love and freedom and dancing. Truly magical.

I've recently re-discovered the joyous addiction of reading a good book. Here's what I've been dipping in an out of lately:

Girl, Woman, Other by Bernardine Evaristo has, in 2 weeks and 284 pages and counting, made it to the (ever-growing) list of my favourite books/writers. The book spans Britain through different time periods and introduces us to 12 women (lowkey all interlinked) and their life stories. It is incredibly juicy, funny, witty and original and I fell in love within the first 10 pages. Her style of writing has this undeniable sense of life and energy - her characters, though we see them relatively briefly, are over-flowing with authenticity, almost touchable. It's just so so brilliant and I literally cannot put it down. Would 10/10 recommend if you're looking for inspiration.

I recently bought some new crystals to add to my growing collection. As you can probably tell, Amethysts are definitely my favourite! (I will continue buying little ones and eventually (after I'm rich innit) invest in a huge one. (The shop I bought these from were selling huge ones for £200-800 just for context lol). I always wear my Amethyst pendant necklace wherever I go now, it feels wrong without it haha. I started wearing it after I had a bad experience at work (classic customer is mean to bar staff surprise surprise) and I would assure myself that as long as I was wearing my amethyst, I'd have a good shift. Now it comes everywhere. 

I visited Amsterdam and then Rotterdam with family for Rotterdam carnival last week and had such a blast. A very fun and wild time. I do love the Netherlands tbh! Since then however, I've just been chilling. Dipping in and out of low-ness, coming out on highs, planning for the future and trying to just...stay afloat. Sentences in my diary go from: "Euphoria. Absolute euphoria" to "it's early and life is moving slowly but at a fast pace", to "I have been trying for the past 4/5 years to look into the mirror and convince myself that I am sane". A lot of internal movement.

Found on Tumblr - couldn't find the name of the artist! 

Also! The newest issue of my zine, sweet-thang, is out next week! It's issue number 5 (!!!) and it's centred around Nostalgia, and is also very very beautiful. I am so incredibly proud of it and can't wait for it to be out in the world! You can actually pre-order it now on Bigcartel, right here. Here's a lil' sneak peak: 

That's about it really. I plan to spend the next 20 days I have in the UK to relax as much as I can, try not to burn out, listen to music, read, eat, write and drop in spiritually. Might even get a tattoo, who knows.

I also read this article 2 days ago and my life has been changed. Titled, "Am I too Weird and Contradictory to Find Love?" and written Agony Aunt style, it has definitely changed my perspective on love, sex and relationships. (I even blocked a dude after reading it haha. No bad feelings, just extremely affected by the line in the article that said: "you're sick of fucking random people who don't understand you". Enough said :) Please give it a read, it's quite funny and very enlightening and I would love to hear your perspectives on it! 

Just for laughs, here's a lil screenshot from my notes the other day. I'm really feeling to write a book actually! Not necessarily about what's written here, but definitely something kinda personal, jokey. I don't know.

I've been writing this blog post while 'Come Together' by The Internet has been on repeat, so it seems right to post it here too. 

Hope you enjoyed this slight mess of a catch-up post ! I will definitely be posting more soon.
~peace out and see you then~ Zoe xo