Saturday, 31 December 2016

365 of 365

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I don't even know how to start this post, my mind has gone blank. Wow, the 31st of December 2016, who would've thought this day would come? Above is a link to the 31st December 2015 - travel back in time if you wish, all you'd see is a cheesy 16 year old talking about how she had her first kiss and wrote a diary. brb, vomiting. So embarrassing! But I love the nature of life. I love the concept of time. I wrote in that post: "Who knows what I'll be thinking when I look back in memories on something so present to me now?"

Well, a couple things definitely spring to mind:
First of all wtf was I wearing? I haven't worn those ghastly shoes since May. Secondly, I have no idea where that ghastly green blazer is - which is a good thing because it definitely wasn't working for me. And thirdly, why did I go out that night? I spent it with people I didn't know and barely liked, it was cold and uneventful, although I did get to do the count-down with family when I eventually got back to them. What a weird night! I genuinely blame my descent into the new year on how badly/wishy-washy the year went as a whole.

This year has been interesting. It's been a special year for writing I guess. A good year for introspection. This whole post will be a compilation of quotes from my diary and pictures from other journals I have written in through out the year. I didn't complete the whole notebook of my diary like I did with last years - I'm guessing that's because most of this year has been me suffering under the torments of A-level! But they are a decent depiction of my time in 2016.


I don’t like this diary. But I’ll write in it of course. It’d be a waste of £3.


I am FREAKING OUT. I’m having an existential (???) crisis!


I know that life is just borrowed time and I need to make it worth something, but how do I do that when I’m constantly questioning everything?


Woah. Like woah-woah. I just realised how much of a self-absorbed twat I am.


Au-revoir le soleil,
Jusqu’à le matin.


Come October, I’ll be a changed woman. New routines, more money, more clothes, less sun but more light, moving towards the bright side of tings.


Lmao. What am I doing with my fucking life. I don’t know, but I’m actually starting to like it. LOL WHATEVS.


It’s been a long, loveless day.
It’s been a long, loveless month.
It’s been a long, loveless year.


To put it bluntly: Tired, agitated, cringy, annoyed. The list could go on but I’m too lazy to think. 
U G H.


So here I am, back in the down-low again that’s proven itself to be inevitable in my life. An innate outgrowth of my everyday experiences. I try to initiate invisibility for myself, it fails. Then I try to go with the flow, and now I’m invisible. How strange. I could write a book about this feeling, but it wouldn’t have any words. It would just be a collection of blank pages, maybe every now and then a random word. The story of my life.


Why do I keep summoning this ‘God’? Who are they? I hope they’re listening, casting spells of magic to whisk me away into the life I should be leading.

This is a strange, vague yet very detailed insight into how I have felt this year. Despite some implications, it's actually been pretty rad at times. I've been to Edinburgh and performed in a festival. I've been to Jamaica for the first time. I've met and gotten closer with some cool and beautiful people. AND I'm determined to get a hold on my life in light of the important decisions I am being pushed to make. 

This is totally random, but on Wednesday evening of this week, my sister and I took a trip down memory lane and were listening to old music from an old playlist on Spotify. Then the song 'Hysteric' by Yeah Yeah Yeahs came on and when I tell you that during the chorus I just burst into tears. It just really took me back to a time when I was just this un-knowing 11 year old listening to music and finding myself and being so conflicted but too young to know that I was and ughhh yeah. Listen here if you want. 

"Flow sweetly,
 hang heavy
You suddenly complete me,
You suddenly complete me."

To finish this off, I'll post my vision board for 2017. The vision board isn't for the whole entire year, but from January to September. I've chosen this specific time frame because come September, I'll be ready to move to university, a completely new environment. Exciting!!!!!

It's been a great year for blogging too. I am so happy with the people I have met on this site and I hope to continue being blogger buddies 'till the end! I hope everyone has a fantastic 2017. I wish you all the best. ~ Peace out and stay cool my lovelies! ~ Let us all descend into the new year with one of my favourite quotes by the amazing Audre Lorde:

“I want to live the rest of my life, however long or short, with as much sweetness as I can decently manage, loving all the people I love, and doing as much as I can of the work I still have to do. I am going to write fire until it comes out of my ears, my eyes, my noseholes--everywhere. Until it's every breath I breathe. I'm going to go out like a fucking meteor!”

See u in 17.
Zoe xo