...anyone here? (lol)
Despite logging onto blogger pretty much every week without fail, I've still not mustered up the strength to sit down and write a lengthy blog post, much to my personal disappointment. But can I really blame myself? 2021 has probably been the most tumultuous year - more so than 2020 I think?
I've been a different person each quarter - with a few classic-Zoe emotions keeping me afloat...
All photos in this post are taken from my Pinterest! <3
Jan - March = a uni student spending her days indoors and sometimes going for long walks across Brighton beach, the winter sun proving itself to be an amazing antidote to lockdown mania. Installing and uninstalling Hinge. Wondering if she wants to fall in love or not. Changing her dissertation concept twice.
April - June = a uni student who manages to finish both her dissertation and degree without too much blood, sweat or tears. A foot surgery thing that took two unexpected months to heal. A couple days of crying in bed. A blissful bank holiday weekend in the London sun that changed everything. An internship waiting at the beginning of July.
July - September = now a working woman accepting that life is wild and unpredictable but beautiful all the same. Moving back to London and feeling smaller, less free, but also pretty damn independent and unshackled. Lots of sexual tension between her and the decision to move to Paris.
October - December = thinks she's getting the hang of freelancing but spends every day trying to be organised. The end of each month is a relief, only for the 1st to trail back round with a new lap for her to run. (she never got the hang of it and kept on saying yes to new jobs).
And now here I am, writing about myself in the third person at 15:56 PM. Lol, I'll stop. Today has been quite lovely - I did my little cousin's hair, got an Urban Outfitters package delivered and in a few hours, I'll be ending the new year vibing with my sister and dear friend Mali.
I've been feeling A LOT. So much that I could probably spread all these feelings out across three different posts. But to save time, I guess the most classic thing I could do is to go through my diary and pick out quotes from each month that better describe the things I saw and consumed than a quick quarterly wrap up would. Let's go.
I always buy a diary at the beginning of the year. This one starts on Jan 15th, for very specific reasons: I had just slaved over two 4,000-word essays that I fought to get an extension on. Those extensions saved my whole ass degree. I wrote about "psycho-territorial attachments in Grime music" where I analysed D.S Mariott's poetry collection, Duppies. My 2nd essay was a creative-critical portfolio where I discussed the importance of the 'archive' in relation to Jay Bernard's poetry collection Surge. I also wrote a mini poetry collection for it too - and will definitely share it someday.
Safe to say that January saw it all. Particular faves from my diary are me lamenting over the fact that "I hate capitalism so much" and that "I don't know how to make things slow down" and that "I can't stop talking to myself...that's unhealthy right?"
February
"My period has come. Really explains how incredibly horny I was last week!!!"
March
"I don't know why I can't just relax and be happy in relaxing? I try to control myself so much. Idk."
"My heart space is feeling quite...blocked if I'm being honest. A lot of nice, fruitful things are happening but also lots to be...angry, fearful and helpless about. And I don't know how to shake these things from my tender energetic spaces."
"Here's to just that; trying"
April
"Feeling HOPEFUL WEIRD EXCITED HAPPY ANNOYED LAZY HAZY"
Had a very interesting tarot reading! Which I spoke about in this blog post.
May
I told my counsellor about how good I felt about myself when I was in Bordeaux - how I felt like I was finally becoming who I wanted to be. And when the pandemic hit and I had to leave, I was crunched back into a Zoe that I really disliked and needed to heal from that. She said something about how Bordeaux almost became more than a city; it was a feeling, an energetic destination. And I was on my way there.
June
"S H A K E L O O S E"
June and the summer can be summarised pretty well in my previous blog post, aptly titled "weird (but heavenly)"
July
"I'm not gonna be satisfied with my stomach until I learn to not have a problem with it, just like my thighs. I used to dream of having a thigh gap. Now it's the furthest thing I could want. When did I stop desiring skinny legs?"
"Can I really only choose myself if someone else is also choosing me? Am I incapable of self-infatuation?"
August
The month I moved out of Brighton for good. I ran to the beach to watch an unsatisfying sunset - but I didn't care: (Brighton knows I've seen my fair share.) I reflected (briefly, because it was cold) on my uni experience. At the end of the entry, I wrote "What more, really, could I have asked for?"
September
"I am so happy. I'm just also so empty? Or maybe I'm just tired. Ha, a never-ending cycle of possibilities eh? They never end. Fuck it, might as well just enjoy my life. Why the fuck not? Why the fuck not go on more dates and kiss attractive people? What could go wrong?"
October
"I feel a bit congested in my heart space. I dunno if it's hormones or the end to a busy week that's seen laughter, embarrassment, cringe, disappointment, movement, crowds, new people. But it's been a lot."
November
"I WILL SHOW MYSELF TENDERNESS AND LOVE!"
December
"I think I'm the most cluttered and imbalanced I've been. Am I doing too much? Am I not doing enough?"
Meh. Ready for 2022 tbh. I've been learning a lot about myself. Growing, elevating, ascending. I am truly here for me, and I look forward to reaping the benefits of this new mindset!!
Here's a quick lookbook for the new year ~ in 2022 we DRESSING TF UP!
Been reading, watching and listening to a bunch of cool stuff lately - I will definitely do a separate blog post for them!! At this rate, I'll probably be late to Mali's, so I might end this blog post here.
Thank u to everyone who may be reading this!
Dunno if I'll be on here that much next year - but we'll see.
