Friday, 30 April 2021

the fool

Ever since 2016, there has never been an April that I haven't posted. It's the last day and I'm determined to write one.

Where do I even start?

SO MUCH has taken place this month. I've been determined, focused, kind of all over the place, happy, cosmically aligned, tired, excited. 

In 2 weeks, I will have finished my entire degree. A whole 4 years. Magically, I managed to surpass the word count for my dissertation today (8000 words in total). I've been working on it pretty much daily for the entire month, and when I saw my Word document get to 7900 words I was like...wait what? I'm nearly done? That's it? I honestly couldn't tell you how I've managed to do this. Not ONE assessment this entire academic year has been completed in such a calm way, weeks before the deadline. 

I'm shocked and emptily elated. Obviously it's not done - I need to do some thorough editing - but I feel confident that I can actually take a break and come back and still submit it in good time. Which is weird as fuck. Last term I was stressed out of my mind completing essays, it was fucking awful. I knew I didn't want to repeat the process for my diss, and I guess I channelled something within me that helped me stay focused?? idk mannn. I'm the zone, and I'm ready to be done with uni.

I've been thinking/doing A LOT of things recently. So much that I can't even put it into prose so imma just make a list. Enjoy.

1. Been thinking a lot about 'ways of seeing', and that idea that men see and women prepare to be seen. I kinda thought about ways I perpetuate that and focus so much on how others may perceive me without realising that I'm not actually perceiving? I've made the intention to take control of my own ways of seeing and, wow what a powerful thing!

2. I've probably worn my jumper and trackies more than I've worn anything else in the past 2 months. I can't wait to actually make an effort again. (Once my deadlines are done it's simply over for you hoes)

3. I had the most amazing, resonating tarot reading from my friend Mali. The energy exchange we had was so powerful that we both felt pretty tired after. It was such a beautiful experience. I had been feeling very cosmically aligned and was receiving some interesting signs from the universe recently. I needed something way more personal than just my daily horoscope on Vice to tell me what was up, lol. Turns out life is pretty fucking rad and I have important decisions to make.

4. The reason I chose to call this 'the fool' is obviously because it came up during my reading. The fool is the first card in the tarot deck. It represents many things, but we talked about the symbolism of 'taking blind leaps of faith with confidence' and being open to receive things. it's a powerful card and it really resonated with some of the emotions that had been dwelling in me over the past month. 

5. Words that encompass how this period in my life feels: water / earth / interconnectedness / messengers / portals / goddess / sensitivity / change / transform / deliberate / calm / balance / restore / awakening / freedom

6. I had a minor surgery on my foot last week so haven't been able to enjoy any bars/outdoor pubs and the lovely sun. Sad times. However, I should be all healed by the time deadlines are done so that's a silver lining right? 

7. I realised that I had avoided admitting certain things I wanted in life, like romantic love. I felt embarrassed to want it yano? Like it isn't something you should 'desire'. Fuck that! Ask and ye shall receive and all that jazz xxxx

8. From a diary entry on 12/4: "I'm really evaluating where I'm intentionally + actively putting my energy. Detachment. I think for a long time parts of it were on sex, meeting someone, etc. Has my fixation on it actually made me feel good? Or am I just frustrated, angry even, obsessed, over-excited? Damn. I wonder how much these feelings over-spill into my sexual energy output and how that affects how I behave, who I attract? Jeez"

9. Diary entry 21/04: "I was about to check Instagram but asked myself: 'do I really wanna do this first thing in the morning?' and instead I'm journaling. WTF?! That is GROWTH right there!!"

10. Turned 22 on the 22nd of April. In my diary, I wrote: "I don't know about you...but I'm feeling...a whole bunch of things as I'm turning the sweet age of 22" Then I did a bunch of scribbles with an arrow pointing saying "this is what my mind looks like right now".

* * *

what's a delicate--musings blog post without a mood board? 

This one is for ~ future visualisation. ~ Enjoy my lil commentary.  All images found on Tumblr / Pinterest

Aaand that's about it really! What is life? I don't know. But stay tuned I guess.

Songs I've been listening to recently:

- basically everything in this playlist: 'sweet-thang's RnB / Soul grooves' - follow my zine's playlist! refreshed every 2 weeks, and a new genre playlist coming soon :)))

There's probably a lot more I could say in this post but meh I'm tired n need to take a screen break. Lot's of love to blogger buddies / anyone reading this! Life is so fucking weird but here we are. We got this.

~peace out~ and c u in the next post! Zoe xo

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