Monday, 2 August 2021

weird (but heavenly)

I have a post in my drafts titled "blog post ideas" that I made in June - and I was genuinely certain that I'd get round to it all. But alas, August is here. Anyways, enjoy this update-come-summer-mood-board. I was going to include scans from my manifestation journal but cba. It's just loads of affirmations, angel numbers, gratitude lists and powerful energy. (If you're looking for a sign to get a manifestation journal, this is it, lol)


and sun-dazed,
I bite into this ripe peach
of a month,

gathering children
into my arms
in all their sandy

my table each night
with nothing
but corn and tomatoes.

From 'The Months' by Linda Pastan

Since my last blog post in April, a lot has happened. I handed in my final assessments for uni, got my results, started an internship, and had a mini graduation. 

The first two weeks of May were just pure work - every hour of every day was accounted for. The hand-in day for my exams and essays was the 13th, but I managed to get everything in on the 12th. I can't really describe what it felt like to finish. All I remember was closing my laptop and swivelling round to face my window, and as soon as I did that, a pigeon appeared on the roof in front of me and then flew off. I resonated with it, lol. I was done, it was my turn to fly.

Unfortunately, the opposite pretty much happened - 3 weeks prior, I had minor surgery on my foot and had to have stitches, and I basically couldn't walk normally. On the 13th of May, the stitches split. My foot had been healing because I had stayed indoors for three weeks just writing and reading, and on the day I was supposed to be FREE, all I did was hobble to the health centre on campus, crying on the phone to Cleo. It was such a sight. Oh yeah, that was also the day that my university decided to email everyone saying that there would be no formal graduation. Man, that was a tough day.

That following week was just...heavy and low. All I wanted to do was see my friends, maybe go to London, go for a long walk by the beach, go to a fucking bar. But nope. I didn't know what to do with myself. I remember reading two books in 4 days (Open Water and Convenience Store Woman) and then basically stayed in bed for 3 days, crying every couple of hours. I had just completed my degree but felt trapped and very, very lonely. No sense of celebration or joy. 

But there is a silver lining. After that horrendous week, things started to look up. The weather got better, and on the weekend bank holiday at the very end of May, I finally went to London to see family and friends. I had the most wholesome and fun weekend traipsing (hobbling) around town, and I felt free for the first time that entire year. I remembered how glorious it felt to be around people, to dance and laugh and drink and get dinner and talk face-to-face. All the things I definitely took for granted before the PandemiLovato. I was fueled with a sense of purpose again and I realised that all I needed was that in-person connection. (I'm pretty sure that I socialised 50% less than the average student for the entire year. It really wasn't pretty now that I reflect on it)

~diary fragments from May~

9/05, morning. My heart and headspace are very clustered - with uni deadlines, work deadlines, job applications. I truly, truly feel overwhelmed by the prospect of everything. I'm trying to practice slowness but it feels near-impossible when you're in the literal last stretch of everything. The last lap. The one where you sprint. 

19/05, morning. Damn. I have a headache and my chest feels cloudy. ... I'm so tired of feeling like I can't connect with people like I want to. I feel like my body isn't happy and idk what it needs. Maybe having my period would be nice, a bloodlet, a release, a new cleanse. ...ANYWAY. Just a bad day, not a bad life. Here's to improving a lil bit, day by day.

28/05, morning. what am i choosing today? what am i choosing today? (FUN, RELEASE, ACCEPTANCE)

June was a bit better. I socialised more, enjoyed the sun, started to feel myself again after just wearing my jumper and trackies for 2 months straight :) I decided to go on a "30 Days of Wholesomeness" journey, where I did Yoga With Adrienne's 30-day Home series. I did it because my bodily aura was one of stagnancy, sexual frustration and just bad vibes - I needed to do something with my body after not exercising due to my foot, and not getting laid because everyone I match with on Hinge takes 10 years to reply to any of my messages. The involuntary celibacy has been hard, my loves!! <3 If someone doesn't touch my ass by the end of 2021 I'm calling the police.

Anyways. The 30 days were needed, (clearly). I had to modify a lot of the yoga movements because I still couldn't put full weight on my left foot. But by day 28, I could hold a plank and do downward-facing-dog. I cried on the last day.

Questions I asked myself on my journey:

~ What can I activate within myself to fully receive and use the tools that I have? How do I activate this unison and harmony between breath + body, and filter that harmony elsewhere?

~ What can I soften within me? I endeavour to soften my frustrations but simultaneously soften the judgements that surround them too.

~ How am I both learner and teacher? How can I bridge the gap between who I am and who I want to be? Who am I?

~ Am I acting out of a place of abandonment or abundance?

It was results day on the 23rd of June and I was determined to go out and celebrate it. I spent the evening on the beach with my friend Emma, popped a bottle, and remembered how grounding it is to choose enjoyment, to message someone and say "Do you want to go to the beach?" 

I started my internship in early July, and have felt so grateful, challenged and excited to work. I was broke, and then got paid. Life was good. 

Now it's August. Life is a bit choppy/uncertain. But I feel more of a positive surrender. Maybe life doesn't have to be perfectly stable 24/7. Maybe my life can be mapped out so that I could get a job in Paris and move there tomorrow. Maybe life can be both messy and liberating. 

I had a beautiful graduation day yesterday. I wore a cap and gown and felt special. Finally, after all those months, I celebrated getting my fucking degree.

This weekend, I'll be at Brainchild Festival. I'm excited to do something wild and festive, to be in nature. I'm scared I'll come back with Covid. I haven't returned my ticket so I suppose I'm willing to take the risk? 3 days in a field can't be worse than a cramped pub though right? 

What is life? Sometimes weird, sometimes heavenly. 

Hope you enjoyed this post, c u in the next one. ~peace out~ Zoe xo

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